umbrellajackassery | 01: i spend too much time ghosting [ota]

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01: i spend too much time ghosting [ota]

In the name of avoiding everyone and everything until he had sorted out the chaos in his own head, Ben had gone into hiding.

He hadn't left or gone anywhere else, he could still feel that tether drawing him back here, but that was where it got messy. Ben had several truths in his world. Even death didn't stop the Horror. Being dead sucked. He knew where Klaus was.

He was sixteen when he died, just shy of seventeen. And ever since then, nearly half of his existence, he always knew where Klaus was. It was always just a thought and he was right near him, usually in the middle of whatever chaos Klaus had caused.

But there wasn't a Klaus.

He was sure he'd seen at least three by now. One of them was definitely not the Klaus he thought of as 'his', because he had a Ben with him, a living, smiling Ben. And he was fairly sure he'd seen another version of himself, silent and invisible and lurking in a corridor outside a door.

But he wasn't sure which one was his and it was overwhelming and frightening, in a way that the world hadn't been for him for a long time. Which was why he had decided to go to the place he hated most and he knew the others would mostly avoid.

He went to Sir's office and sat down in a corner on an antique chair that they never would have been allowed to touch. He sat and rubbed his stomach where the Horror roiled, unsettled by his own discomfort.

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"I don't feel at home," Ben says.

He doesn't. He feels out of sorts and out of place, because home is Klaus and he's not sure which Klaus is the fit for 'home'. This house is not home and even less so filled with noise and people.

Big things were probably the same. Five had said something about that once. "Well, we both come from a place where I'm dead. Do you remember me punching you in the face? Or... you got cilantro on your burrito and you didn't ask for it?"

He comes over to crouch near Klaus' head, hands tucked in his pockets.

"You too, huh?"

A sigh, because he was being just a touch facetious with that. Maybe they're used to weird shit, but at home is a little much.

"At home. Just a turn of phrase, really. I guess I should say we're...used to it. Which isn't to say we like it."

He gestures vaguely at the ceiling with one hand, as if giving a lecture to a recalcitrant student, and when Ben comes over to crouch near him, he smiles up at his brother.

"'Course. I hate cilantro, ugh. Waste of a burrito topping, a travesty really."

A pause, and he meets Ben's eyes, brows raising, "And yeah. Uh. Unicorn, there was a unicorn. Which I disemboweled to get at some pills, and then you..."

He lifts both hands, punches his fist into the palm of the other, "...punched me sober. Bam. Truly your most heroic moment."

Ben doesn't try to touch Klaus, because he's too aware of the fact that he can't (he did, briefly, so briefly, but it's at the whim of Klaus' fickle power) so he leans a bit more over him, balancing on his toes.

"Yeah, you do. And the-" Klaus tore open a unicorn he hid a stash in. "Yeah. I punched the pills out of your mouth." He shifts his weight slightly. "Not saving you guys from those machine gun wielding maniacs after Five? Punching you sober was my most heroic moment?"

Being sober (at least physically, because his brain reminds him pretty regularly that he hasn't had a hit) has given Klaus the strange new ability to think before he speaks. He doesn't always use it, but sometimes he does, and this is one of those times. There are several things he doesn't say:

'Well, that wasn't you, it was the thing you hate that pops out of your stomach.'

'You didn't sign up for that.'

'I know you hate doing that, and you're dead, you should be at peace.'

He feels it again, that stirring itch in the back of his head, in his chest, the want so bad it leaves him unfocused again. Dealing with anything related to Ben's death always makes him want to go get high. Instead, he grins up at Ben and waggles his brows.

"Hey, you couldn't have saved our sorry asses if I wasn't sober, could you?"

Ben has spent many years watching Klaus and he can read lots of the little flickers on his face. He knows Klaus is thinking things that will make Ben yell at him, or leave, but in an amazing display of will, he doesn't say whatever it is that he's thinking.

And then that tiny flicker, something so strong that Klaus usually would go and find something to stop himself feeling it.

Instead, he speaks and Ben smiles slightly. "No. Guess not. Our combo power is sort of cool."

It's something, anyway. At least Klaus made him smile, Ben's smiles are rare and precious and hard to induce and he likes seeing them.

"Right? And everyone got to see you. I think that was the best part."

Closing his eyes for a moment, he exhales out the itchy tension still squirming in his extremities, and rests his hands across his stomach.

"Just wish I was better at it."

A beat, and then...

"Wanna go practice?"

Green eyes open, and he smiles a big upside-down grin at Ben.

When Ben was alive, he and Klaus touched a lot. Klaus touches everyone, he has no sense of personal boundary and Ben loves and hates it.

He reaches out now, knowing what will happen anyway, and tries to poke Klaus in the nose, smiling back at him. "Sure."

It's always a little cold when Ben touches him, he can feel Ben's hand slip through his nose, and he wriggles it a little, the chill passing through his head like a subtle, not-quite-painful brainfreeze.

Sliding his arms down to his sides, he pushes up on his elbows, makes a 'whuf' as he sits still for a moment and rides out the head rush from sitting up too fast, then slides onto his feet with a little bounce. Brushing his hands together, he exhales.

"My room? I mean, providing there's no doubles hanging out in there."

Ben sighs softly. He had hoped maybe...

He pulls back and sits back on his heels before pushing himself upright, hands back in pockets and pulling his hood up again. "Yeah, I guess so. You know, twice when it happened, you were scared. For Diego and then with the machine guns."

"You think I have to be scared?"

It makes sense in a weird kind of way, and Klaus continues to think about it while he makes his way out of the room and looks both ways before crossing the hall and heading up to his room, glancing over his shoulder to make sure Ben is following.

"Or maybe I have to be worried about someone."

Lifting a hand, he taps his index finger against his lips a few times before heading up the stairs, moving in an exaggerated cautious way, like a thief in his own home, trying to avoid anyone.

"What do you think?"

"Didn't say that. But your emotions were pretty high and you were focused on other people. And your emotions were high when I hit you, you were so angry at the others, at what they thought and said."

Ben wanders after Klaus, vaguely aware of another Klaus off down a hallway. "I think if you've done it three times, and once deliberately, you'll manage again. Somehow. I have faith in you, Klaus."

"You've got a point. Again. You really need to stop that, you know."

He waves a hand vaguely, sees the way Ben turns and glances around, the way his eyes follow spots on the walls, and he can only guess that he's tracking other Klauses around the house. It sends a shiver down his spine, and he fights down that urge to get wasted and forget about all the weirdness.

Instead, he pushes open the door to his room and glances around. Unoccupied, bless. Strolling in, he locks the door behind himself and flops down on the bed for a moment, huffing out a deep, deep sigh.

"Emotional and focused on other people. Right. That makes sense."

He stares at the water stain on his ceiling for a moment, and replays that in his head, over and over.

'I have faith in you, Klaus.'

And he remembers how he'd felt in that moment when Ben punched him. How miserable. How angry. How defeated and useless and worthless, because no one believed in him. No one took him seriously. No one had faith in him.

Lifting a hand, he notices the faintest of blue halos around the fingertips.

"Hey...say that again? I think we might be on to something here..."

Ben moves a little closer to this Klaus (he's designating this one as his Klaus until he has proof otherwise) and focuses on him, on the power that tingles under Klaus' skin, tethering him here.

He loiters as Klaus makes himself comfortable, watching him and hoping that maybe he'll have a-

"Oh." He can feel the power trickle forward and he tries to grasp onto it, because maybe, it's not just about what Klaus wants to happen, but about his own drive to interact.

"I have faith in you. I know you can do this." He does. And he pulls on the power, the same way he would pull on his awareness of the Other.

Klaus needs this win, Klaus really, really needs this win. And Ben needs him to have it.

It might not have worked if Ben hadn't meant it. Because when Klaus looks at Ben's face, the way it lights up, it lights up something in him too. He focuses on it, on the fact that Ben believes in him, Ben knows he can do this, and he focuses on Ben's smile from earlier, too. Tries to forget himself. To forget all the crawling under his skin, the bubble of need that feels like it's pushing up under his diaphragm and strangling him, the fear and loneliness and horror at what a waste he's made of his life.

All of that has to go. He pushes it out of his mind, breathes deep, and thinks about Ben, who believes in him and thinks he can do this. He can do this. He can feel Ben pulling at the energy that's stretched between them like the string on a tin can phone, and he pulls back, tests the connection, takes a deep breath.

"I can do this. We can do this, come on Ben...I know we can..."

Extending his hands, palms toward Ben, fingers trembling just slightly, and with all his might he thinks about Ben, and connecting with Ben, and how Ben's hands will feel pressed against his.

Klaus tugs and Ben steps forward, not because he has to, but it feels right and then he lifts his hands up, focusing on old memories.

Klaus' hand in his when they were driving to their first mission because he was scared of what might happen, if someone would be hurt on their side, what They would do when loosed upon real people who were a real threat to him and Klaus had squeezed tighter and smiled because he had this stupid trust that Ben would do fine.

He lays his hands into Klaus' and closes his eyes, not wanting to see, just focusing on the power, the hum, and the memory of warm skin against his own fingers.

Klaus closes his eyes at almost the same moment Ben does, and for a second he thinks they haven't done it. That he's let his hands slide right through Ben's again, but a moment later he feels the press of skin against his. The fear of failure swells suddenly, his brain immediately scatters away from success, like some kind of sick instinct, and he almost loses focus.

Taking a deep breath, he tries to center back on that feeling of Ben saying he believes in him, and how much Ben probably wants to be able to make this thing work.

'Emotional and focused on someone else.'

His brows furrow with effort, and he hangs on, his hands don't slip through Ben's, and when he opens his eyes, he sees his brother with his own squeezed shut.

"Whoa..."

For a moment, Ben doesn't register what has happened.

Being dead doesn't really feel like anything. He had memories of hot, cold, sharp, soft, but they're just memories, concepts that slip a little further away every day. So when his hands stop moving, there's this moment where he just assumes he's stopped moving on his own.

And then he realises he feels... warmth.

The surge of emotions is almost painful, not the muted emotions of being dead but the actual strong, kick in the gut realisation that in this moment he's real. His hands clench reflexively to grab Klaus', eyes flying open to find Klaus already looking.

He doesn't manage a noise. He just holds and stares.

Klaus' eyes connect with Ben's the moment they open, and he only shifts his hands enough to slide his fingers between his brother's and squeeze back. Then, slowly, slowly, a smile blooms across his face, and he laughs. Lifts his hands along with Ben's and watches as Ben's body reacts to his, as Ben's arms follow his hands, and there's weight and substance and it's great. It's so great.

"Whoa, there you are."

Klaus is lifting his hands.

Ben might tremble, he's not sure, but he's feeling a lot of something or a lot of a lot of somethings, not necessarily all the same something.

And it only takes that momentary flush of emotions for one of the Horrors to slip out and grab Klaus and haul him bodily forwards to crush them together in a tight hug.

He almost loses it when the tentacle flies out of Ben's abdomen and curls around him, abrupt and startling when he'd been so focused on their hands. But he doesn't lose it, and he only allows himself to be proud for a second before focusing on Ben again.

'Emotional and focused on someone else.'

Laughing, he lets go of Ben's hands and wraps his arms around his brother's shoulders, pulling him in close, flattening a hand against his back. Ben is solid and substantial and there's an actual impact sound when he pats his back.

"Oh man. Man! It's been way too long."

Klaus doesn't even notice he's crying until his voice cracks halfway through the second 'man.'

Klaus thuds into him and nearly knocks them both off their feet, but he catches his balance by throwing himself forward into Klaus and holding on like it's a life line.

Klaus is all angles and points and really not that different than the last time Ben hugged him because he was all angle and points then. He grasps at Klaus' back and it feels a tiny bit desperate, but it's real and when he ducks his head, he can feel the heat of Klaus' neck where he's buried his face in against him.

"You're so warm," he barely whispers.

Ben isn't warm, but Klaus couldn't care less. Ben's face is pressed into his neck, cool and comforting and he can feel Ben's fingers digging into his back, and suddenly he's past crying. He's pressing his face into Ben's shoulder, and his narrow shoulders shake for a moment, and he sobs a little, inhaling against Ben's shoulder.

Half-laughing and half-crying, he lifts his head, eyes red and bright, cheeks wet with tears.

"You smell good."

Ben doesn't lift his head when he laughs, just smothers the noise on Klaus' neck and hugs him impossibly tighter. He can feel the Horror wriggling excitedly, the one tentacle out squeezing tighter and another trying to squeeze out between them to join in.

He's feeling too many good things to worry or freak out about them.

"You feel thin." Always too thin, but that's Klaus.

When Ben doesn't lift his head, Klaus lets his own drop down again, his hands closing into handfuls of Ben's sweater, squeezing him close and tight, and the Horror doesn't bother him as it squeezes. Klaus could probably die happy right now (tries to ignore the fact that on any given day he'd be relieved to die) just because of this.

"Yeah well. Maybe that's gonna change because I'm never getting high again, ever. So no more dumpster diving. Maybe we can go see the ocean."

With a couple of firm pushes, another tentacle wriggles between them and curls up around Klaus, the spade like tip resting against the back of Klaus' head, cradling him.

"Pretty sure you don't need to be high to go dumpster diving," Ben whispers. "We should go to the ocean. Find tide pools." Inevitably watch Klaus get pinched by a crab, or step on a sea urchin. "Don't let go."

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